I have been incredible at finding reasons not to write for two years. I’ve found every single excuse not to do it. Covid was reason number one. Once that calmed down, then it was that we were selling our house and moving. Once we moved, I had to unpack and decorate. Once we were settled in our new home, my excuses started to get ridiculous.

“I can’t write today because it’s nice out, so I feel bad being inside. And if I take my laptop outside then the sun will create a glare on my screen and I won’t be able to see what I’m typing. So I’ll write later in the week when it’s supposed to rain, unless of course, it’s raining too hard because then I won’t be able to concentrate due to the inclement weather conditions.”

My most solid excuse has been that I have no time. I do, however, have enough time to clock in an embarrassing amount of hours watching and sending TikTok videos every night. So, really, is it that I don’t have time or is it that I don’t want to make time?

After overthinking it and talking it to death to my husband; I came to a very gross conclusion. I’m fucking insecure. I one hundred percent fight imposter syndrome, in all aspects, but mostly with my ability to produce a blog that anyone would want to read, let alone enjoy. If you aren’t familiar with imposter syndrome, here’s a loose definition; Imposter Syndrome is doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud. I’m very familiar with this one. It’s by far my favorite syndrome of all the syndromes.

I might come across as confident, but underneath, and I mean like riiiiight underneath, is an extremely self-conscious person. I am so unbearably hard on myself that I miss out on experiences because I tell myself I’ll fail before I even try. I become paralyzed in this need to be perfect. So, I will come up with every reason imaginable to not step out of my comfort zone.

I read something the other day (full disclosure, when I say I read something, that means I watched a TikTok or an IG Reel) Anyway, I was “reading” this thing about picturing yourself as a child when you have negative thoughts about yourself. Would you want that child to tell herself she’s not worthy or good enough? Absolutely fucking not.

I then looked over at my five-year-old daughter, Mickey, and realized she’s going to become self-conscious. She’s already starting to doubt herself. She is going to criticize herself and compare herself to other girls. How am I equipped to help her battle negative self talk? I can do positive affirmations with her all day long, but how much does it mean if I’m not practicing what I preach?

So, as silly as it sounds, this post is giving me a little push out of my self-deprecating comfort zone.

Who knows, maybe, just maybe, when my husband says I look good today I’ll say “thank you” instead of “Ew I look like shit”. I probably won’t, but I will write about it.